Understanding that energy cannot be destroyed, but it can be transformed, is a good place to start when one looks at transformation.   Since transformation is taking what currently exists and creating something different,  it is somewhat reassuring to see that nothing is ever really lost in the process;  just changed from what it once was.  Yet for some, even the thought of small change produces such stress as to paralyse them from taking any transformative action. This paralysis can actually add to the stress, although the person experiencing it does not usually see it.

Change involves loss, because something must go in order for something new to arrive.  The way one has handled loss in life will influence how any changes are viewed.  Traumatic loss generally transfers a feeling of trauma whenever change is on the horizon. Trauma evokes fear.  According to the Law of Attraction,  re-living this sense of trauma only attracts more trauma.  This then increases a sense of being powerlessness to do anything different. One begins to lose confidence and courage to deal with future changes and loss. Depression and anxiety can become overwhelming.

However, if loss has been acknowledged, grieved and let go,  the opportunity to experience change in a positive way then exists.  Although grief is experienced as painful, it can be transformational. To go through the emotions and memories is necessary in order to put the relationship into perspective.  The attachment to what was lost must now transform into a sense of non-attachment if one is to move on and be healthy.  And with this transformation comes  deeper knowledge and understanding of yourself, the world and your connection to All That Is.

People have choice – how you choose to approach loss and change is up to you.   Love yourself enough to take the road of change and transformation.  As the saying goes,  “You’ll love what you become”  … Collette Baron-Reid.

Article written by Pat Antoniak Registered Nurse-Registered Aromatherapist
and owner of the Natural Comfort Wellness Centre in Tsawwassen, BC.

Years ago, I asked my nursing students, “If you could give a child one gift, what would it be? ”  As expected, responses such as love, understanding, protection, support, health, education were listed.  And while all of these are important, I challenged them to consider something else.  I offered the suggestion that giving a child positive self-esteem and self-worth would ensure that all their needs would be met throughout their lifetime.  Let me share some of the reasons for my suggestion.

Self-esteem has three basic components:
1.  Body image – the mental image we have of our physical being and our attitudes towards our body and its various parts and functions (called the Perceptual Aspect)

2.  Self-respect – the feeling that we are worthwhile and that what we are doing, or have done, is “right” according to our values  (called the Emotional Aspect)

3.  Self-confidence – believing we are able and have the ability to do things or the power to make things happen  (called the Cognitive Aspect)

Self-esteem is the key to a person’s behaviour.   It influences thinking, emotions, desires, values and goals. It is also the way we judge ourselves.   If we feel positive about ourselves and our lives, this influences how we relate and behave towards others – and ourselves.  Positive self-evaluations give us feelings of energy and acceptance; of being in control and accountable for our life experiences;  we can appreciate our own worth and contributions, and those of others.

Low self-esteem results in less of a sense of self.   Feelings and basic needs are not recognized or expressed and self-image becomes unrealistic, negative and often hurtful.  When people feel they don’t measure up, it can lead to feelings of inadequacy, distorted beliefs about self and others, a depletion of energy and a sense of being powerless.  Powerlessness has its own set of difficulties for a person to overcome.

“The way we see ourselves and the way we feel and think about ourselves is learned through our interaction with others and through their responses to us.  It is not something we are endowed with at birth!  Because it is learned, it follows that positive self-esteem can be promoted or negative self-esteem can be transformed into a positive one through successfull learning experiences.”     Dugas and Knor

According to Dugas and Knor, self-esteem is fostered by:
–  fulfillment of basic physiological needs
–  a safe physical environment
–  an adequate income to purchase the necessities of life
–  supportive, nurturing family, school and work environments
–  a strong support network of family and friends
–  a nurturing community
–  cultural customs and mores
–  a sense of purpose in life
–  good health
–   successful transitions through developmental stages in the life cycle.

When provided with these things, a person’s self esteem will soar.   But real life doesn’t always deal us this hand.  This is why I suggest by giving a child the gift of unwavering positive self-esteem right from the start, it will help them throughout the times when life seems to be more harsh. If positive self-esteem and self-worth are the “default settings”, so to speak, then the ability of the child to stay healthy, happy and productive over her/his life span is strengthened.

Imagine a child who has a healthy, respectful and loving attitude towards her/his body and respects her/him self enough to choose what is necessary to keep this body healthy.  Imagine a child respecting and believing in her/him self enough to set healthy boundaries with others so that they are neither the victim nor would they victimize others.  Imagine a child who is not afraid to explore, question and try new things, yet has the judgement, common sense and courtesy to neither offend nor ignore others.

Quiet confidence, dignity, respect, responsibility, courage, health, compassion and joy .  With this as the foundation,  imagine the adult who emerges.

Article written by Pat Antoniak Registered Nurse – Registered Aromatherapist
and owner of the Natural Comfort Wellness Centre in Tsawwassen, BC.

Did you know ……
–  Self-esteem is to the mind, what food is to the body;  all humans need self-esteem for both physical and psychological well-being. (Simmermacher 1989)
–  Pessimists have higher levels of most diseases, probably because they have an overcharged Autonomic Nervous System (ANS) and a relatively run down immune system.   (Dr. David Peters 2002)
–   Being critical of yourself sends a negative message to your mind; and where the mind goes, the body follows!

The idea of having personal boundaries is not new.  Call it whatever you wish – protection, limits, walls, barriers – the purpose is the same.  Healthy personal boundaries help keep you safe, secure and engaged with the world in a balanced way. They help you stay true to yourself. This sounds so easy, but it isn’t always so.

Understanding where we stop and the world begins takes some experimentation and life experiences.  It starts from birth. Relationships with others become our classroom; the curriculum of life is how we learn the lessons.  Establishing our boundaries is how we become familiar with our wants and needs and those of others; we learn when to give and receive; we learn to stop or proceed. It is also where we take on roles, responsibilities, attitudes and reactions to what life sends our way.  Sometimes we take on what others think we should or shouldn’t do, rather than what our true self would like. Learning how to say, “No”, to others’ unreasonable demands and expectations of us is crucial to setting successful boundaries.  Yet how many of us can easily say, “No” to others?

Healthy boundaries show a high level of self-respect – and respect for others.  If we don’t respect ourselves how can we expect others to? Or, put another way, why should others respect us if we don’t have a strong sense of self and self-respect?  Boundaries help us to be supportive of others without taking on their pain, emotions or problems. Boundaries protect us from those who want or need to control, manipulate or dump their responsibilities onto others. When we understand the behaviours, motivations and personalities of others, we can choose how to be involved with them without losing ourselves in the relationship.  And sometimes, we have to be strong enough in our personal power to say “No” to a relationship that isn’t in our best or healthiest interest.

The idea of healthy boundaries means we stop negative, hurtful experiences and people from invading our personal space, yet we allow positive and loving ones to come closer. The decision for distance or intimacy is ours to make.  For those who have suffered abuse, the boundaries can be either too strong or weak.  If too strong, these folks block themselves from everything – including positive, loving experiences and people – from entering their lives.   If too weak, they can’t protect themselves enough from being hurt or abused and so the hurt and pain continue.

To set healthy personal boundaries, we must understand the needs for balance, self-respect and honesty with ourselves first and then with others. Honoring ourselves this way is an important step in healing our deepest hurts and disappointments.  It also gives us the opportunity to become more genuine in all our interactions and relationships.  And this ultimately allows us the chance to create a deeper connection to those around us.

Article written by Pat Antoniak Registered Nurse-Registered Aromatherapist
and owner of the Natural Comfort Wellness Centre in Tsawwassen, BC.