The idea of having personal boundaries is not new.  Call it whatever you wish – protection, limits, walls, barriers – the purpose is the same.  Healthy personal boundaries help keep you safe, secure and engaged with the world in a balanced way. They help you stay true to yourself. This sounds so easy, but it isn’t always so.

Understanding where we stop and the world begins takes some experimentation and life experiences.  It starts from birth. Relationships with others become our classroom; the curriculum of life is how we learn the lessons.  Establishing our boundaries is how we become familiar with our wants and needs and those of others; we learn when to give and receive; we learn to stop or proceed. It is also where we take on roles, responsibilities, attitudes and reactions to what life sends our way.  Sometimes we take on what others think we should or shouldn’t do, rather than what our true self would like. Learning how to say, “No”, to others’ unreasonable demands and expectations of us is crucial to setting successful boundaries.  Yet how many of us can easily say, “No” to others?

Healthy boundaries show a high level of self-respect – and respect for others.  If we don’t respect ourselves how can we expect others to? Or, put another way, why should others respect us if we don’t have a strong sense of self and self-respect?  Boundaries help us to be supportive of others without taking on their pain, emotions or problems. Boundaries protect us from those who want or need to control, manipulate or dump their responsibilities onto others. When we understand the behaviours, motivations and personalities of others, we can choose how to be involved with them without losing ourselves in the relationship.  And sometimes, we have to be strong enough in our personal power to say “No” to a relationship that isn’t in our best or healthiest interest.

The idea of healthy boundaries means we stop negative, hurtful experiences and people from invading our personal space, yet we allow positive and loving ones to come closer. The decision for distance or intimacy is ours to make.  For those who have suffered abuse, the boundaries can be either too strong or weak.  If too strong, these folks block themselves from everything – including positive, loving experiences and people – from entering their lives.   If too weak, they can’t protect themselves enough from being hurt or abused and so the hurt and pain continue.

To set healthy personal boundaries, we must understand the needs for balance, self-respect and honesty with ourselves first and then with others. Honoring ourselves this way is an important step in healing our deepest hurts and disappointments.  It also gives us the opportunity to become more genuine in all our interactions and relationships.  And this ultimately allows us the chance to create a deeper connection to those around us.

Article written by Pat Antoniak Registered Nurse-Registered Aromatherapist
and owner of the Natural Comfort Wellness Centre in Tsawwassen, BC.

Those in the counseling professions will often say that there are more incidents of depression/suicide during and following the Holiday Season that at any other time of the year. Some of the reasons include the re-emergence of dysfunctional relationship issues which clash with the high hopes and expectations for a “perfect” family gathering. This clash of fantasy VS reality can make it very difficult for people to enjoy themselves, their families and their lives.  For some, the depression has been in hiding but when it bumps up against the expectations, pressures and disappointments life dishes out at holiday time, it seems to magnify the true underlying feelings. These days, the abuse of alcohol and drugs (prescription and recreational) can depress the nervous system to the point of feeling depressed.  Since the Holidays are a time of parties and celebrating, there is no shortage of substances to abuse!

So I was very pleased to see in our local Province paper, a short article by Dr. Oz and Dr. Roizen – the You Docs – entitled, The Pursuit of Happiness Will Lead You To Better Health .  Most people know these fellows from Oprah Winfrey’s show, as she consulted them on many subjects.  I wish to share some of their thoughts.

“… You deserve true happiness and much of your emotional and physical health depends on it.  Positive emotions cancel out stress-related risks such as heart disease and cancer,  and make you younger.  So how do you get happy?  Follow these seven steps:

1.Talk nicely to yourself –  trade put-downs for encouraging words

2. Connect – really talk with people you care about; get physical, too; hugs stimulate oxytocin, the “cuddle hormone”, spreading a feel-good boost
3. Keep a daily gratitude journal – writing down what you are thankful for makes you healthier and more optimistic
4. Don’t sit around – being active at least 30 minutes a day boosts happiness – and makes your body’s Real Age seven or more years younger
5. 5.Meditate – it eases stress, strengthens immunity, ups happiness – big time!
6. Understand unhappiness –  when it happens, learn from it; it’s a chance to make positive change
7. Go for gentle and generous –  The real secret to being happy may be in realizing that true peace is about slowing down enough to recognize the gifts you have – gifts you can be passing along to others.

The payoff?  Huge!  You’ll be better able to cope with stress or pain and to fight off colds, flu, heart disease, even cancer.  And a big plus:  You’ll be happier!”     (The Province,  January 2012)

While the suggestions are great for helping people stay positive and happy although they may have sadness,  there are some types of depression that require more help than what is suggested above.  If you or someone you know has tried to manage depression but it hasn’t improved, you may need to seek professional help.  Research shows that individual and group counseling,  cognitive-behavioural therapy,  nutritional and exercise protocols and/or medications can all play a part in recovering from clnical depression. But the first step must come from the person affected.  Or a concerned family member or friend.

We have free information at the Centre on community supports and crisis services to help people with various emotional, psychological or substance abuse issues.  We will have this information posted on our website shortly.  No one needs to feel alone or powerless on their journey to regaining Happiness and Health.

Article written by Pat Antoniak  Registered Nurse – Registered Aromatherapist
and owner of the Natural Comfort Wellness Centre in Tsawwassen, BC.

Did you know …

• February’s magical flower is the Primrose
• The Chinese categorize Luck in three ways: heavenly luck, human luck and earthly luck; each contributes to your overall success in life
• Heavenly Luck lets you change your destiny through prayers and meditation
• Human Luck is about self-improvement and living compassionately
• Earth Luck is the easiest to shift using Feng Shui, as it aligns your inner and outer worlds